


(so) before you go

by cornerkick



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Freeform, Gen, SBC, a whole lot of no plot rambling to be honest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:34:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23114002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerkick/pseuds/cornerkick
Summary: She guesses she doesn’t know everything about Lindsey.Why does that thought make her chest ache like it had when Lindsey had gotten hurt earlier?She chooses to ignore it.
Relationships: Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett
Comments: 7
Kudos: 170





	(so) before you go

**Author's Note:**

> i drank a couple beers then wrote this because lindsey got hurt and sonny didn't play in this one. 
> 
> there's literally no plot to this and the resolution is (imo) a bit rushed but i know i'm not gonna want to look at this later so...here ya go.
> 
> title is lewis capaldi 'cause i'm a clown.
> 
> no proofreading/spellcheck is my friend.

It happens early on. 

The ball is played forward and Lindsey is on a mission. Sonny could tell from her very first touch that she was going to do whatever it took to put her stamp on this match. 

Unfortunately for Lindsey, that meant being taken down from behind by a Japanese player before the ten minute mark. She goes down in a heap and Tobin is there instantly. Kelley gets there seconds after. 

Sonny pops to her feet on the bench without really thinking about it. Her body reacts before her mind can catch up to it and even when it does it’s just reeling. Worry curls cold in her gut and seems to course through her veins as she takes a step towards the sideline.

Beside her, Mal curls her fingers loosely in her shorts. Rose gives her a sideways glance. 

But Vlatko is up, too, and Lindsey’s not getting  _ up _ .

It takes her back to that game against the Reign, of Lindsey going in for a tackle as hard as she can (because she can never do anything half-assed) and getting the worst of it. 

Sonny had been on the field, then. She’d been able to keep an eye on her. She’d been able to try and direct the ball out of play.

She should be out there  _ now. _

There are too many people standing in front of Lindsey now for Sonny to see and her throat feels like it’s on fire. She takes another step and Mal’s fingers tighten. 

One of the trainers steps aside and then Sonny can see Lindsey, can see her sitting up and clutching her left shoulder loosely. 

Sonny exhales shakily and lets Mal tug her back into her seat, though her knee keeps bouncing as Lindsey walks to the sideline flanked by support staff.

Their eyes meet, just for a second, and Sonny’s eyebrows knit together. 

Lindsey just keeps saying she’s fine.

One of these is directed right at Sonny and Sonny nods a fraction of an inch before glancing back to the game.

Her knee keeps bouncing.

-

Mal gets to play and Sonny’s happy for her to finally get on the field with the national team again. She knows how that cut feels and Mal’s  _ good _ .

She proves that when she takes the corner that leads to Lindsey’s goal, though Sonny knows Lindsey did most of the work there. Sonny knows it’s a goal before Lindsey even makes contact. She’s on her feet a full second before the ball hits the back of the net, yelling so loudly that her throat feels raw.

Rose gets to play, too. 

It’s fine. She’s gotten good minutes throughout qualifying and she just played a full 90 against their most technical opponent.

It does, suck, though.

This was going to be their last time on the pitch together before...well,  _ before. _

-

Lindsey is avoiding her.

It’s clear by the way she clings to Mal after the final whistle sounds and how she keeps drifting off with Ali. 

Sonny didn’t know that Lindsey and Ali were particularly close, but as she mirrors Kelley’s dance moves, Sonny catches sight of their heads bent and close together.

She guesses she doesn’t know everything about Lindsey.

Why does that thought make her chest ache like it had when Lindsey had gotten hurt earlier?

She chooses to ignore it. 

They have medals to receive and another trophy to lift.

-

She keeps to Kelley and Rose while they wave at the fans. She doesn’t sign herself, but laughs when Rose catches sight of a poster with her dog on it and sprints to the sideline. 

Sonny can’t help but laugh. She settles in between Kelley and Ali and takes a second to bask in this. 

A full stadium with fans decked out in red, white and blue. The frenzied chants from the crowd. Her favorite people all on the same pitch.

Then, she squares her shoulders and walks back into the locker room.

-

After a shower, Sonny makes her way back to the bus. She ends up very aware that she’s wearing one of Lindsey’s worn t-shirts as she makes her way back to their usual spot. It’s comfortable and familiar and she just never gave it back. If Lindsey notices, she doesn’t say anything.

In fact, Lindsey hasn’t said anything to her since before the game.

She’s been hot and cold all week. One minute, she’s leaning into her space at dinner and the next, she’s saying they should only do their handshake when they’re both starting the game...which doesn’t happen at all during this tournament. In fact, unlike qualifiers, they only spend about half an hour together on the field all week.

Still, though, when it happens, it’s  _ so _ easy to fall back into old habits.

Lindsey drops passes back to her like it’s nothing in the defensive third. Sonny skies balls she  _ knows _ , even without looking, that Lindsey will get to. There’s a moment just outside the eighteen where they play catch, two passes each, and then Sonny drops the ball to Tobin, and Sonny thinks about how much she’s going to  _ miss this _ when she goes to Orlando.

Shaking her head and the thoughts from it, Sonny pushes her way down the aisle sideways, pausing to steal some Sour Patch Kids from Sammy and to swat Rose’s phone out of her hands as she goes. 

She flings herself into her seat before Rose has a chance to react, having to sort of clamber over Lindsey to get there. 

Lindsey doesn’t react. She merely glances up from her phone and raises a single eyebrow. She’s trying not to smile, though. Sonny can tell by the way she’s biting the inside of her cheek. So Sonny does the only thing that she can think of: she puffs her cheeks and leans over to blow a raspberry against Lindsey’s cheek.

It works like a charm. Lindsey’s mouth opens and laughter tumbles from it and Sonny feels like she maybe did something worthwhile tonight, after all. 

She settles into her seat and steals one of Lindsey’s AirPods, unsurprised to find Lindsey listening to one of her own playlists. As she leans back to stare out the window while the bus pulls out of its parking spot, Lindsey takes one of her hands. 

Sonny threads their fingers like it’s nothing. Lindsey rests their joined hands on her thigh. Sonny tries not to think about how warm it is and fails.

-

Once they get to the hotel, they disperse again. Everyone’s catching flights tomorrow to get back to their families or their club teams. 

For the first time, Sonny won’t be joining Lindsey for an early flight to Portland. 

She’s not flying with Ash and Ali, but her flight  _ is _ disgustingly early. 

That’s why she’s throwing her things haphazardly from the room into her suitcase when the key card slots into the door.

She figures it’s just Lynn, who probably stepped out to talk to her boyfriend. 

“Sorry for the mess. I’m just trying to get all of this stuff together so I don’t wake you up tomorrow.”

“You call this a mess?”

Sonny trips a little bit from her spot crouched on the floor at the familiar voice. She blinks up at Lindsey in surprise, taking in her still damp-from-the-shower hair and a sweatshirt that’s just slightly too small. She loses her balance and ends up on her ass. 

Lindsey chuckles but ends up sitting down opposite her, legs crossed. 

“Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.” 

There’s still this distance between them that Sonny can’t quite put her finger on. Not physically. Their knees are actually touching and Sonny feels like she’s on fire where Lindsey’s skin brushes hers. 

But, for a while now, since France, really, there’s been this  _ thing _ between them.

For a while, Sonny tried desperately to keep that river from growing. 

And it had worked. At least for a little bit. They’d gotten almost back to normal by the time playoffs rolled around, but then they’d lost and they’d separated for the offseason and it turned out to be the last game they’d play wearing the same club colors.

Since then, it had been a lot of hot and cold.

Part of that was Sonny’s fault. For a week, she’d ignored calls and texts from everyone. Her mom had even sent Emma to make sure she was still alive. Slowly, she’d come to terms with a trade she’d never wanted to happen. 

Portland was the first city she’d ever felt totally herself in, the first place she’d played for outside of youth soccer and college. She became a professional there.

She found her best friend there. 

And now she has to leave. 

Part of it was Lindsey’s.

She’d posted a heartfelt Instagram post during Sonny’s self-imposed social media blackout. They never talked about it, though Sonny has obviously seen it by now. She’d been with Lindsey while she carefully crafted it at camp. 

She wasn’t there when she’d posted it. 

Lindsey had taken all of one day apart before posting it. 

“Funny running into you here,” Sonny says, just to break the silence. She and Lindsey have shared many silences over the years. At first, they were awkward because they were the new kids in a locker room full of teammates. Then, it became comfortable. They could have entire conversations without saying a word. 

Now, it was almost like they were back to square one. 

“Your room?” Lindsey sounds doubtful.

Sonny’s mouth twitches in the shadow of a grin. “Well, you haven’t been over here alone all week.” It’s not meant to be a jab, but Lindsey’s face falls anyway. She’d laid across Emily’s bed while Kelley, Rose, Mal, and Sammy watched  _ The Bachelor _ finale the last couple of days, but Sonny’s right. She has been avoiding her, a little bit. 

“Yeah. I guess I’m trying to get used to it.”

Lindsey’s playing with a frayed piece of the ugly, brown hotel carpet. Sonny reaches out to still her hand and Lindsey recoils, pulling her arm back and away. 

Sonny frowns. 

“Linds, talk to me.” 

There’s something desperate in Sonny’s tone that makes Lindsey look up at her. She looks so damn  _ sad _ that Lindsey has to fumble with the package in her pocket. She shoves it unceremoniously into Sonny’s lap but still doesn’t say anything. 

Sighing, Sonny picks at the meticulously wrapped package. “What’s this for?” 

“Think of it as a...housewarming present.”

“Okay,” Sonny says, drawing out the vowel sound. She rips the paper off and reveals…”Wow, Linds. A box. I’m really touched.”

“Open it.” 

Sonny does. 

It’s one of those Magic Bands in Pride purple. Sonny quirks a brow. When she glances up at Lindsey, she’s holding another box.

“Where are you pulling these from?”

“My secret. Here.”

This one contains a receipt for a set of Park Hopper tickets. Lindsey rolls up the sleeve of her own sweatshirt to show off a Thorns red band secured around her own wrist. “It’s already all loaded up on there for you, so when we come down you have to take me. I’m sure you’ll be a regular by then.”

“Thanks, Linds.” 

Sonny doesn’t know what to say. She’d been expecting nothing, but when Lindsey presented her with the box, she’d thought it would be something...more. It’s not that she’s not grateful. It just doesn’t seem like it  _ matters _ .

“There’s, um, one more thing. Except it’s a little different.” 

“Okay?”

At this point, Sonny doesn’t know what she expects, but it’s definitely not Lindsey rocking forward to kiss her. Sonny expects it so little that she doesn’t even have a chance to respond before Lindesy’s pulling away. Her eyes are wide and she presses her fingertips to her own lips.

“Sorry. Sorry, that was- I’m just gonna go.” 

“Lindsey.” She stops dead. Sonny doesn’t call her that. Not unless it’s important. It’s always  _ Linds  _ or  _ Linessi _ or even, occasionally, _ The Great Horan _ . Not  _ Lindsey _ . Not unless she needs to get her attention. Lindsey hovers uncertainly, tugging at the hem of her sweatshirt. 

Sonny stands up, too, and reaches for the hand fiddling with the shirt. She laces their fingers and leans up enough to kiss her properly again, using her free hand to frame Lindsey’s face.

This kiss is better. They’re both able to respond and it’s the easiest thing in the world. It feels like they’ve been doing this for years, instead of just that drunken night in France many months ago. When Sonny breaks the kiss, Lindsey sighs into the space between them. 

Sonny leans her forehead against Lindsey’s and tries to rationalize it. She tries so hard to figure out how it will work. She tries not to think about timezones and different teams and whether or not Lindsey’s broken up with that asshole. 

But she can’t. 

“Why’d you wait so long?” Sonny complains, their lips brushing with each word.

“Because I was scared.”

“Of me?” Emily wonders, sliding her arms around Lindsey’s neck. She can feel it when Lindsey shakes her head. “Of what, then?”

“That it would change things. You. Me. We’re best friends. I didn’t want to lose you.” Lindsey laughs, then, but it’s bitter. “Turns out it doesn’t matter because I’m losing you anyway.”

“Hey,” Sonny replies, shaking her head and pressing her thumb into the spot where Lindsey’s shoulder meets her neck. She winces a little bit and Sonny realizes it’s the side she fell on. “Shit, sorry. But hey, you’re not gonna lose me. So we have to FaceTime instead of me coming over to yours every night. So what?”

“It’s not the same.”

“I know. But we’ll have camp. And we’ll have…” She doesn’t want to say it, doesn’t want to jinx it. Lindsey can tell. “...we’ll have other things.”

“But I don’t think we should start things like that today.” 

Lindsey’s entire posture changes. She shifts in on herself, shoulders slumping and head ducking. She nods. “Yeah, you’re probably right. It was stupid.”

“It wasn’t. The timing was just off.” 

“I should’ve done it sooner.”

“I should’ve, too, but I was scared, too.”

“Of me?” Lindsey parrots her, but she sounds more serious than Sonny had. 

Sonny presses her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “...of you not feeling the same, yeah.”

“We’re dumb.”

“Yeah, kinda. But, listen, this isn’t no. This is just...not right now. Okay?”

“Okay.” 

They’re still standing really close together. Lindsey has her arms looped around Sonny’s waist. Sonny still has hers around Lindsey’s neck. Her fingers are playing with the little, baby hairs at the back of Lindsey’s neck.

“D’you maybe wanna stay?”

“Yeah.” 

“I have to leave really early for my flight.”

“That’s okay.”

“You sure? I know you like your sleep.”

“I wanna spend time with you before you go.”

It hits Sonny square in the chest because of how small Lindsey’s voice sounds. She just nods. “Okay. I’ll text Lynn. Maybe she’ll go crash with Rose in the meantime. There’s a spare toothbrush in there, if you want.” 

Reluctantly, Lindsey takes the hint and separates from her just enough to go and brush her teeth. Sonny shoots off the text and Lynn responds thirty seconds later that she’s been outside for the last ten minutes and decided to go to Rose’s five minutes ago. 

Chuckling, Sonny joins Lindsey in the bathroom. They stand side-by-side and brush their teeth in silence, Sonny dancing along to some soundless tune while Lindsey tries not to laugh. She’s got a smear of toothpaste on her cheek by the time she’s done that Sonny reaches to wipe off. Their elbows bump as they go to spit and, without ever talking about it, they end up in the same bed.

They’ve shared a bed before. Most of the times Lindsey would fall asleep on Sonny’s couch, they’d both end up in her bed before long even though there was a spare room. The same was true when they hung out at Lindsey’s. 

This time, Sonny wraps herself around Lindsey from behind, chin hooked upon her shoulder and an arm lazily flung over her waist. They lay in silence for a while, but Sonny can tell by the way Lindsey’s breathing she’s still awake.

“Linds?”

“Mmm?”

“I’m sad about it.”

It’s the first time she’s said anything about the trade directly to Lindsey, other than when she called to tell her about it in the first place. Lindsey shifts in Sonny’s arms to face her instead. Sonny keeps talking.

“I’m sad about leaving the place that feels like home to me. I’ve never played anywhere else. I’m sad that they didn’t want me.”

“That’s not-”

“Not you guys. I know you guys wanted me to stay, but it doesn’t really matter, right?” 

Lindsey can’t argue that. She huffs angrily. 

“But I don’t want you to think I’m, like, gonna be unable to function. Alex has already reached out to me and Ali and Ash are really excited to help me in Florida. And I’ll probably get really tan and get to go to Disney World all the time.”

“If you don’t get kicked out.”

“It sucks because I’ll miss you. A lot. So much. But...it’s gonna be okay, I think. I’m gonna be okay.”

“Okay.”

“Are...you gonna be okay?” Sonny asks into the silence. 

Lindsey takes a deep, shaky breath. She presses her lips together to keep the tears at bay, but it doesn’t quite work. Sonny frowns at her and brushes them away carefully. 

“I’m just gonna miss you, Em. I don’t know Portland without you.”

“You’re gonna be great. You’re gonna be awesome. Those kids are lucky to have you, you know? And Ellie’s still there. And Tobin and AD and Menges. You’ll have Becky.”

“I want  _ you _ .”

“Yeah, well.” Sonny pulls a face that Lindsey can’t quite make out in the dark. “Lots of people do, apparently.” She brushes a track of tears away from Lindsey’s cheek firmly.

“You’re gonna be great and I’m gonna be great and when we hook up in Portland later, we’re gonna be great.”

Lindsey bites her lip. “I know you’re not saying it like that, but I think I’d like hooking up with you in Portland.”

“Lindsey Horan, you animal.” Sonny kisses the top of her head and wraps her up tightly and tries not to think about how fucked up this is. They’d had years together to do this and they’d both been too chickenshit to do it and now they were just going to hang in limbo.

But they’re curled up and warm and they have tonight, so Sonny’s going to make the most of it. She’s going to remember the way Lindsey’s shampoo smells even long after she gets on a flight to Orlando.

-

Her alarm goes off way too soon.

Beside her, Lindsey groans and wraps her arms more tightly around Sonny’s middle. If she could, she’d stay here for a couple more hours, just to let Lindsey get some rest. But she has a flight to catch and new teammates to meet. 

They both have lives to lead. 

“Linds, I gotta go.”

“Don’t want to.”

“You can sleep a few more hours, you know.” 

Lindsey shakes her head firmly and buries her face, briefly, into the crook of her neck. Sonny tries to ignore the goosebumps rising there. Lindsey gets up first, shuffling around in the bathrooms. Sonny follows, getting her things together and going to brush her teeth. 

Lindsey is finishing up when Sonny steps into the room. They exchange looks in the mirror. Lindsey’s smile doesn’t quite meet her eyes. 

“I’m gonna go get us coffee.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll meet you in the lobby?”

“Sure.”

Ten minutes later, she does. Lindsey hands her her coffee and she takes a sip, immediately burning her tongue. 

“Dumbass,” Lindsey says, but it’s fond.

“Smartass.”

“Great ass.” Lindsey wiggles her eyebrows slightly and Sonny cracks up. Her smirk fades into a soft smile as she looks at Lindsey. She thinks about saying something, has it on the tip of her tongue, but then her phone vibrates. 

“My Uber driver Ricardo is here.”

Lindsey follows her outside and kicks the wheels of her suitcase so it tips halfway over. Sonny’s too sleepy still to catch it. It crashes to the ground and Lindsey starts laughing before bending down to pull it upright again. 

“Emily?” Ricardo says out his open window.

“Who’s Emily?” Lindsey asks. The poor man blinks, glances at his phone, and holds it up.

“Don’t mind her, Ricky.” Sonny plants a hand on her hip. “She thinks she’s funny.”

“I’m hilarious.”

“Sure, sure.” 

They stare at each other for a second or two while Ricardo steps out of the car to load up Sonny’s bag. “Emily?” He asks again, tentatively. “Should I be calling you something else?”

“My friends call me Sonny. Anybody driving me to the airport at this ungodly hour is a friend.”

“Okay, Sonny, are you all ready to go?”

“Yeah, one sec.” She digs the toe of her untied sneaker into a crack in the sidewalk and tucks her hands into her pockets as she looks back at Lindsey. She’s not crying anymore, but her lips are downturned. “Hey, May 6th.”

“What’s May 6th?”

“The day I come back to Providence Park and kick your ass, Horan.” She grits her teeth playfully. Lindsey flings her arms around Sonny’s shoulders and pulls her in for a hug. Sonny drapes hers around Lindsey’s waist. They stay like that for a few moments, breathing each other in. Behind them, Ricardo clears his throat.

“Sonny?” He asks carefully.

“What?” She doesn’t mean to snap, but she was having a moment, here.

“What time is your flight?”

“Too soon.” With a sigh, she draws back from Lindsey but keeps her hands on Lindsey’s wrists. She smiles fondly at her and gives her one last squeeze. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah,” Lindsey breathes, her voice trembling just a little bit. “I’ll see you.”

Then, Sonny gets into the car and leaves.

-

Once she’s boarded, Sonny feels it. 

Going through the motions of security and Starbucks were so ritualistic that she hardly noticed that Lindsey wasn’t there, but as soon as she’s sat in her aisle seat next to some dozing teenager, it hits her. She’s not going back to Portland for another season with the Thorns and that’s not the right person beside her. 

There’s no one to hold her hand loosely when she gets nervous for takeoff and she doesn’t think the poor kid next to her appreciates the way her knee keeps bouncing. 

Over the intercom, the pilot announces that they’re en route to Orlando.

Sonny feels a little bit like she’s going to throw up.

-

They end up diverted.

The plane needs to refuel, which seems stupid, but they end up stopping somewhere in Ohio, of all places. 

It seems a little bit like prolonging the inevitable.

-

Sonny doesn’t get to the apartment that doesn’t feel like home yet until almost three p.m. She’s tired, cranky, and wishes that Bagel weren’t with her sister so she could have some company.

As she drags her suitcase up the front walk, she almost trips over something.

Or, rather, some _ one _ .

“What the fuck?” Sonny grumbles, staggering a step back before catching herself. 

Lindsey, for her part, looks sheepish.

“Hey. Sorry.”

Sonny’s eyebrows shoot back towards her hairline. “What are you doing here?” 

“I caught the next flight out. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.”

Sonny fumbles with her key in the lock. It takes her three tries and she still misses. Lindsey stands up from the little porch and helps fit the key in the lock. Where their hands touch, Sonny’s on fire. She tugs the suitcase inside and Lindsey follows her in.

Sonny kind of thinks she must still be on the plane, asleep and dreaming. 

But then Lindsey’s closing the small bit of distance between them and taking both of her hands. “Em.”

That’s how Sonny knows this is serious. It’s always  _ Sonny, Son, _ or  _ Dasani _ . Never _ Emily _ or  _ Em _ . Not with Lindsey. Not unless it’s serious. 

She doesn’t know if she’s ready for this. 

“What are you doing here?” Sonny’s voice is so quiet, like she’s afraid if she talks too loudly, Lindsey will just disappear. 

“I didn’t want to wait until April 10th to see you again.”

“Okay, well, we do have to eventually be apart, you know.”

“No, I know.” Lindsey closes her eyes and tries to refocus. She holds Sonny’s gaze. “I just- will you go out with me? I don’t want to put this off any more than I already have, and I meant to just ask you last night, but I chickened out. I wanna make this work. I wanna make  _ us _ work.”

Sonny takes one look at her, the mismatched outfit from going straight to the airport after Sonny had left to the desperate look in Lindsey’s eyes. 

“You wanna take me out?”

“And kiss you, maybe, but mostly take you out, yeah.”

“You can do that, you know.”

“Take you out?”

“Kiss me.”

So she does. When Lindsey leans back to breathe, Sonny clasps her arms around Lindsey’s waist and blinks up at her. “Yeah, I’ll go out with you. But shouldn’t you be in Portland right now?” 

“They’ll wait. You won’t.” 

Sonny can’t help but feel a little bit validated that  _ someone _ had picked her over the Thorns. Especially one of their star players. 


End file.
